Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Sometimes it's hard.

 Sometimes its hard to understand that our kids will never truly appreciate our past and the people in them. Sometimes it's hard missing people who used to be there, people you wish they could have known. Sometimes its hard not to shout and scream at their simple mistakes, even if that mistake to you is unimaginable.

Today she was looking in the mirror, looking at the photos. It is a mirrored frame. My grandmother and two photobooth shots. One of my mother, one of my aunt. She was sitting next to me.
I don't know what happened but when i turned to speak to her two of the pictures were gone, erased forever, irreplaceable. She had been cleaning the frame, somehow took the pictures out of the holes and wiped them. Wiped away the images.

I wanted to shake her, to shout 'what have you done?' but i knew she wouldn't truly know the answer.
I wanted to say 'that was my mum. I can never get that photo back.' but i didn't.
When she saw my face she started to cry. I think i had tears in my eyes already. I just said. 'It's not your fault, mummy shouldn't have let you play with it.' And that was the truth.

It was mothers day on Sunday. She had seen a gold bag i had used a few days earlier. She wanted to play. I told her it belonged to my mum and it was special and put it away. She asked if we could go and see her one day in people heaven. This was hard.

Sometimes its hard. She erased a photo, a life, a precious memory and it meant nothing to her. She will never know her, love her, miss her. Then i feel sad that i never really got to know her either.

I've thought about the photo. It was a memory of who she was when she was young. I will never know the answer. I will soon not be able to remember what she looked like in that photo. But i will know my daughter, I will remember what she looked like.

Sometimes its hard but i'd rather think about the people who are still here anyway. The happiness from those who love you will always outweigh the sadness of the past.


Tobe | Because It's Awesome said...

a lot of strength comes from our most vulnerable moments. i think that moment with your daughter will come around a good way.


Kristi said...

this was heartbreaking to read. my heart goes out to you. hugs.

Tracey said...

Thank you ladies. Your comments mean a great deal. x

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